Stress and Children

The following is material learned at Liberty University as part of my certification in Christian Counseling For Children. I am no longer certified, but I hope this information can help any parents out there struggling.

First, what is stress? Stress is the overarousal of the adrenaline system.

Second, an important thing to remember: “There is no perfect child; there is no perfect parent.” Even when parents do their best, things can go wrong.

Today’s childhood isn’t easy either. Children are under more “stress” today than their parents were growing up—they are literally in information overload, and overstimulating their brains and causing negative effects on their health (because of exposure to more information than parents ever had via the web, cell phones/tablets/computers, social media, gaming systems, etc., and because of higher expectations—more choices in schools, which colleges to attend, the wide variety of education and career paths, parental pressure in sports and extracurricular activities and doing well/succeeding in each).

Essentially, children can easily be overstressed.

“Not all stress is bad…however, the only good stress in life is stress that is short lived” (Archibald Hart 2010). Humans need some stress to challenge them to grow and change. These “positive” stressors (things that cause stress) are things such as getting married, starting a new job, having a baby, or encountering a situation that teaches us to respond (like a car moving towards us, and knowing we have to jump out of the way). These are tolerable stressors that we face. The stress response system that is built inside of us is designed for a VERY short period of time only. What becomes dangerous to our health, however, is the continuity and amount of stress.

Stress can cause many health issues. It is responsible for 70-80% of the diseases in America! 75-90% of all doctor visits are stress related ailments/conditions.

With this in mind, let’s look at the health of our children and stress.

Children who are overstressed tend to be violent, depressed, obese, have an increased risk for heart diseases and high cholesterol, have suicidal thoughts, and face anxiety.

The most damaging stress comes from the “good things” in life, like all the gadgets children have now (phones, computers, gaming systems, tablets, prolonged interaction with TV, etc.). These things overstimulate their stress hormones. There is no downtime, no relaxation (and sleep doesn’t count here! We’re talking about waking relaxation), and not enough sleep.

Aside from these digital stressors, there are three main factors that influence a child’s stress level.

• A Child’s Personality—There is a difference between personality and character. This is their temperament. These are passed on in their genes. Parents tend to have difficulty accepting their child’s personality. But children cannot help it. Most important is to learn to understand who God created them to be as an individual person, accept it, and go from there (this is NOT in reference to sinful behavior or confusion, but in reference to intrinsic personality traits/disposition such as extrovertedness/introvertedness, etc.). Some children are simply prone to more stress.
Within this understanding, parents must learn to assess their child’s stress. How is their immune system (do they get sick a lot)? Do they get a lot of headaches? Stomachaches? How are they interacting with others? Do they avoid people? Are they angry often? Do they act out, trying to get attention? Do they cry easily? Do they anger easily? Are they nervous or sad? Do they tend to overeat? Do they give up quickly or easily when they confront a task? These are all things to keep in mind.

• A Child’s Environment—Situations in a child’s life are more influential than people realize. The world has changed dramatically since our ancestors were children. More violence in school (mass shootings), more drugs, more alcohol, more peer pressure, etc.. This dramatic rise has caused an escalation in adrenaline levels in children. When we pair this with how things are at home, a child can be stressed every waking minute. Home is supposed to be our safe haven. Parents should create this safe environment for their children. It’s hard on them to spend an entire day stressed at school, then come home to yelling, arguments, negative issues/words, and the like (associated with marital problems, divorce, money issues, etc.).

NOTE: This does NOT refer to adhering to rules and boundaries created by the parents, and discipline when the child fails to follow those rules. Rules, boundaries, and consistency with discipline are a necessity.

The key is to keep children in a stable, non-changing environment, and create that safe haven in the home. Some changes in the household cannot be avoided (divorce, illness, moving, friendships, etc.), but parents can support their children throughout. A child who can come home to a safe, welcoming environment will feel secure, have better coping ability, and be more content. Parents have to offer that warm welcome, however, and accommodate to meet the child’s needs (this may mean being more organized, sticking to a routine schedule, keeping things clean and neat, and doing what is possible to reduce conflict—like setting specific chores and sticking to them, maintaining rules and boundaries, etc.).

Make your child feel loved, secure, and worthy. Your home, their home, should be a place of refuge for them, a place where they feel that love and security, not a hostile territory. When they face life’s hardships, you are a place they can run to for escape, comfort, and protection. When you fail to provide that, they turn elsewhere, which leads to rebellion.

• A Child’s Programming—Parents have to be able to control a child’s emotional climate within their safe haven (creating a stress-resisting environment). *Parents, they learn from you! Parents, do not use children (they are not pawns in marital conflict, nor are they to be made to take sides). Also, children are not to be forced to do things that do not match their God-given talents and desires—just because parents could or could not live out a dream, they should not force their children to do so. For example, a mother had a dream to be a dancer, but couldn’t, so she forces her daughter to take dance lessons and compete in dancing competitions, against the daughter’s will. OR a father joined the army and served with pride, therefore he expects his son to do the same and forces him to join, against the son’s wishes. Children must be free to become who God created them to be, fulfilling God’s design for them. Also, parents, do not overdo things for your children. Modern parents are guilt ridden when they cannot give their children everything they want. This leads to permissiveness and a lack of boundaries, which is extremely dangerous to the child’s future! Children need boundaries and discipline. Consistent, appropriate discipline! It is useless for a parent to create rules and boundaries and not stick to them. It is useless for a parent to make an empty threat (I’m going to ground you if…) but never follow through. These attitudes in parenting are very harmful.

Children need boundaries and discipline. Consistent, appropriate discipline.

So how can parents create a stress-proof child? There are many ways.

· Instill in the child a sense of personal worth through respect and encouragement—they are intrinsically valuable, being created in the image of God.

· Be consistent in discipline!

· Respect their overall privacy and personal space, but remember, you are still the parent with every right to “invade” that privacy when properly warranted, especially in concern for spiritual and physical safety and wellbeing.

· Have the courage to say “no,” even when other parents are saying “yes.”

· Be honest

· Instruct them through a biblical worldview, establishing a theologically-solid foundation.

· Ensure they are getting enough sleep (8 hours is the minimum for adults, and children need even more). Here are some tips for sleeping habits: Avoid staying up excessively late. Teach children to “wind down” before bed, creating a routine (putting away any mind-stimulating technological devices at least an hour or more before bed—NO PHONE, TABLET, COMPUTER, or GAMES!). Keep a consistent schedule—setting a bedtime and sticking with it. No caffeine after noon. No sugar in the evening. No heavy meals or beverages about three hours (or more) before bedtime. Dark, cool bedrooms.

· No TV, computer, laptop, tablet, or any other similar devices should be in the bedroom. At night, all devices should be charged in another room, cutting off usage at a set time.

· Reduce stimulation!! Build in some downtime. Reduce the amount of extracurricular activities in which a child participates. Teach them to relax by praying and reading God’s Word (or another book, but Scripture will always be preferred). Teach children the importance of quietness. Sometimes our brains need a complete rest, not during sleep, but a time out with no stimulation. This could be sitting in silence, maybe with the lights off—no talking, no music, just being still and quiet. An opportunity to get children to exercise their imaginations or, again, have devoted prayer time. During regular quiet time they could draw/color/paint or play with traditional toys; this isn’t a complete break from stimulation, but it is a bit more emotionally passive.

· Encourage them to get their bodies moving. Physical exercise is great for burning adrenaline (lowering it). Get outside, get sunshine, and expend that energy.

· Set boundaries for children, and teach children how to set boundaries for themselves. Teach them how to say “no”—not offensively (in disobedience to a proper command), but in a respectful manner when they have an appropriate choice. Teach them that if something goes against their boundaries, they should stick to them and say “no” (For example, if a friend wants them to go to a party at 9pm, but their boundary is not to be out past 10pm, they should say “no” to that friend).

So what about stress-free discipline? The goal of discipline is to change negative behavior, so it doesn’t keep happening. There is a difference in punishment and discipline. Punishment is the act of getting back at or revenge. It never teaches a child anything, and is usually an act of anger (spanking, hitting, yelling, taking away a privilege in anger). Discipline is focused on changing the behavior—free of anger—by using consequences—like removing privileges—for broken rules/boundaries. There are five rules in disciplining.

· Good discipline gives adequate warning ahead of time as to “What behavior is NOT acceptable.” It’s unfair to punish a child if they do not know the rules. If needed, create a set amount of rules and write them down (a few staple rules, not an entire book!).

· Establish a consequence. Be fair and clear as to what will happen when a rule is disobeyed (For example, No video games for a week if you [fill in the blank]). Parents must remind the children of these, too.

· Always give a warning first. Remind them of the rule ONE time.

· Apply consequences consistently. This is probably the biggest problem in parenting—NO CONSISTENCY! Parents MUST BE consistent. If a rule is broken or a child misbehaves, a consequence MUST follow. Always. Do not fall into being too permissive or feeling guilty for doing the job. If parents are too permissive and continue to fail in following through with consequences, children grow up to be more rebellious, defiant, and make poor decisions in regards to violent, illegal, and disruptive actions/behavior.

Parents must be consistent.

· Make allowance for forgiveness and reconciliation. This will build strong children who are capable of dealing with life issues. Provide spiritual resources for them, pray with them, offer forgiveness, and demonstrate Christlike character.

The foremost goal to keep in mind is raising children with a Biblical worldview. Don’t just talk the talk, but walk the walk. They don’t just learn what they hear, but more so of what they see!

*Archibald Hart and Focus on the Family do not sponsor, endorse, or is not affiliated in any way with Lights in the Darkness and its contents.

References
Hart, A. 2010. “Adrenalin and Stress.” Retrieved February 4, 2021, from https://media.focusonthefamily.com/topicinfo/adrenalin_and_stress.pdf